Roommates: Kingdom Hearts Edition
by ExistenceIsFutile23
Summary: Characters compete on a game show. Will Sora be able to handle all the attention from his lady friends? Will Cloud kill himself surrounded by Donald, Goofy, Demyx and Seifer? and what's up with Axel & Roxas? no homo
1. Cloud: 'Surrounded By Idiots'

So this whole thing is like a game show. Kind of like one of those stupid reality shows where everyone lives together. It's called 'Roomates' and this one is, you guessed it, 'Kingdom Hearts Edition'.

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Kingdom Hearts

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_**-CHAPTER 1-**_

_**Cloud: 'Surrounded By Idiots'**_

**ON THE SET OF 'ROOMATES', A.K.A., APARTMENT LOBBY.**

**Roxas: **Welcome to Roomates: Kingdom Hearts Edition!

**Axel:** Lets welcome our contestants, first we have Sora, master of the keyblade, stealer of friends.

**Sora: **Thank you! Wait, what?

**Roxas:** Now we have cloud, bad boy loner, hair gel connoisseur.

**Cloud: **Just don't give me a room with Yuffie. Or Sephiroth. Is he here?

**Axel:** Now the lovely Kairi, damsel in distress, mrs. 'I'd kidnap that'!

**Kairi: **Creep...

**Cloud:** 'Cause if he's here I'd like to know... You know he has a big sword?!

**Roxas: **Okay everyone just shut up so we can anounce everyone!

**Cloud: **So he's not here? I- **ahem**,whatever... Get on with it.

**Axel: **Okay so-

**Wakka: **I be on da show ya?

**Roxas: **No Wakka, go away. This is a closed set.

**Axel: **Security

**Leon: **Sir? Oh, Wakka get the hell out of here.

**Axel: **Okay so, the other contestants are: Donald Duck, Ollete, Tifa, Seifer, Goofy, Namine, Yuffie and Demyx.

**Roxas: **Now we'll organize you into two groups to be roomates!

**Axel: **The rules are simple, you'll be stuck in an apartment for two months with these roomates.

**Cloud:** How the hell did I get here...

**Roxas: **And now the room orders!

**Axel: **Room 1: Sora, Kairi, Namine, Yuffie, Ollete and Tifa!

**Sora: **YES!!!

**Roxas: **Wow that's odd... All girls for you Sora. Remember, this order was randomly drawn.

**Cloud: **That means-

**Axel: **Room two: Cloud, Donald, Goofy, Demyx, Seifer and, well you have one less than the other...

**Cloud: **NOOOOOOOOO!!!

**Crickets**

**Leon: **Get back here you little bastard!

**Wakka:** Aha mon! Take some of me blitz ball ya?

**Leon: **OW! That's it... Power!

**Wakka: **Ahhhgg!

**Roxas: Ahem** well, to your rooms everyone!

**Kairi: **Let's go Sora.

**Girls: Giggle**

**Cloud: **I hate my life.

**Donald: **Come on Cloud, this'll be fun!

**Cloud: **I can't understand a word you say without subtitles.

**Goofy: **One of the rules is that we can't break the third wall.

**Demyx: **You mean the fourth wall dude?

**Cloud: **I hate my life...

**-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

Poor Cloud... At least Sephiroth's not in this show.

ThankS For ReAding!


	2. Porn, Caught and Hot!

right after I posted the last chapter I realized I was spelling Olette's name wrong and I felt stupid. I don't intend to do it this time around!

**DISCLAIMER:** I don't own Kingdom Hearts!

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_**Porn, Pot and Hot?!**_

**Day 1 of Roomates: KH Edition. The two houses are called Sora Team and Cloud Team. Pence has been cast as the interviewer and Mickey Mouse is director.**

**-CLOUD TEAM'S HOUSE (Cloud and Demyx are in the kitchen)-**

**Donald (From his bedroom):** Oh yeahhhhhhh... oh no! oh! oh! Waaaaaaa! palooka...

**Demyx:** What's that noise?

**Cloud:** He's at it again... Horny little bastard.

**Demyx:** W-what's he doing? Will you pass the mayo?

**Cloud:** What he does every other hour: watches porn and wacks it!

**Demyx:** Wha?! really? Oh I need the butter please.

**Cloud:** AT LEAST CLOSE YOUR DOOR DAMN IT! I'M TRYING TO EAT!!!

**Donald:** What? What'd ya say? I'm busy!

**Cloud: **I can't even understand a single word he says...

**Seifer walks in with his toothbrush in his mouth and a shower cap on.**

**Seifer:** I'm gonna give him some good ol' punishment.

**Cloud:** No you don't have to, its all righ-

**Seifer:** No, it's okay, this needs to stop! Come here little duck!

**Cloud:** No don't go in ther- never mind...

**Demyx:** Hahaha! pass the toast please!

**Cloud and Demyx hear from the other room:**

**Donald:** WAAAH! What are you doing in here?! I'm masterbating!

**Seifer: **BEND OVER! It's time for some punishment!

**Donald:** What the hell?! OW! Why are you spanking me?! STOP!!!

**Seifer: **Ahhhh yeah! That's the stuff! Good!O'l!Punishment!Seifer!Style!

**Cloud:** Close the door!

**Demyx:** Hahaha! Will you pass the pepper please?

---

**-ON SET-**

**Axel and Roxas are showing the audience whats happening in Cloud Team's house.**

**Axel:** Wow, seems like Cloud's having some issues with his roomates...

**Roxas:** Yeah, and it seems like Donald can't keep himself away from himself! Hahahahaha!

**Axel:** Yeah... That's nasty. But, lets see what happens next!

---

**-CLOUD TEAM'S HOUSE-**

**Demyx:** that was a yummy breakfast! Now I gotta go do my hair and practice for my recital.

**Seifer:** He won't be spankin his monkey anytime soon Cloud!

**Cloud:** That's good, but you didn't have to beat him.

**Demyx:** I-is t-that m-my-

**Seifer:** Oh yeah, I used your banjo to really put the beatin' on mr. duck!

**Demyx:** I-it's a s-sitar...

**Seifer:** Okay. But it needs to be fixed, It broke when I was paddeling away.

**Demyx:** I'm going to my room to cry...

**Seifer:** Wait, what did I do?

**Cloud:** ...

---

**-ON THE SET-**

**Axel:** Oh damn! Haha that Seifer is a riot! Demyx is crying!

**Roxas:** But what's up with Seifer's weird spanking fetish? He spanked Demyx yesterday and now Donald?

**Axel:** Hey Mickey can we get a camera in Demyx's room? I wanna see him crying and writting in his diary!

**Mickey:** Will do!

**Roxas:** Are you even listening Axel? Seifer's creepy!

**Axel:** Whatever you say bro! Let's go to Sora Team's house!

---

**-INTERVIEW WITH: SORA-**

**Pence:** Hows the stay here been for you so far being housed with a harem of scantily clad women?

**Sora:** Well it's really awkward for me when they start doing things like asking me to rub lotion on their back or having a pillow fight...

**Pence:** Are you homosexual Mr. Sora?

**Sora:** What? No! I just don't know what to do when five women are spraying eachother with whip cream in the living room...

**Pence:** Whoa, wait... When did that happen?

**Sora:** Or they're jumping on the trampoline out back when it's pouring rain and they're all in thier pajamas which are white shirts...

**Pence**: Holy- I didn't get any of that on camera!

**Sora:** I just don't know what to do... I feel like the unluckiest guy in the world...

**Pence:** I hate you Mr. Sora...

**Sora:** I made all that up you pervert, who gave YOU a camera??? Well, I'll see ya!

**Pence:** Wait! are you gonna tell the girls?! Uh, well that was an interview with Sora...

---

**-SORA TEAM'S HOUSE-**

**Sora: **Hey there's no more shampoo! How do you expect me to get my hair to do the thing?!

**Yuffie:** Hey buddy! here use mine!

**Sora:** Whaa! Hey get out of my shower!

**Yuffie:** I didn't see much... Bye!

**-LIVING ROOM-**

**Tifa:** Yuffie what did I tell you about Sora's shower space!

**Yuffie:** Gee sorry MOM.

**Tifa:** Don't make me get Seifer in here to spank you!

**Yuffie:** P

**Tifa:** Don't stick your dirty little tongue out at me! I'll kick your face in!

**Kairi:** She will too, that's why we call her big foot.

**Tifa:** Go back to doing your make-up tramp!

**Kairi: (Gasp!)** I'lll shove your own foot up your ass, which isn't very hard if you get my point!

**Sora runs from the bathroom in just a towel**

**Sora:** My Cat Fight Senses were tingling! Go Go get her!

**Yuffie has an animated nose bleed/fall**

**Namine:** Geez don't wet yourself Yuffie, and you guys woke me up... Whats going o-

**Sora:** Um... I'll go put... some... Clothes on...

**He backs toward his room slowly. Olette comes from the kitchen and all the girls jump on him.**

**Sora:** Wahh! My Towel! MY TOWEL!

**Kairi:** Aww, he's so squishy!

**Tifa:** Squishy tummy!

**Sora:** Tickles!

**Namine:** Squishy face!

**Sora:** That's my skin!

**Yuffie:** Squishy-

**Sora:** Don't even think about it!

**Olette:** What's THAT??? How'd your keyblade get under your towel?

---

**-INTERVIEW WITH: NAMINE-**

**Namine: **I don't want anyone to get the wrong impression that we're scanks or something,

**Pence:** Haha, you guys do show Sora alot of love!

**Namine:** It's just, we all like making Sora uncomfortable because it's funny!

**Yuffie: **And cute!

**Namine:** This is my interview whore!

**Pence:** I notice alot of tension between all you girls...

**Namine:** Oh that **(Giggle)**,we just do that to pass the time, we really do love eachother.

**Pence:** What about the time you pulled out some of Olette's hair for saying she thought Roxas was weird?

**Namine:** Oh that... Now that I think about it, Roxas is kinda weird... He's always around Axel.

**Pence:** They DO host together.

**Namine: **No, even when they're not working. He also talks about Sora alot...

**Pence:** Well uh, **(Ahem)**,that's all the time we have!

**Namine:** Does Roxas pitch? No, no... He has to catch because Axel is totally a 'pitcher' kinda guy..

**Pence:** ThatWasAnInterviewWithNamineGoodbye!

**Namine:** Wait I'm not done!

**Pence:** Cut it! Cut it! Turn off the flippin camera!

---

**-ON THE SET-**

**Axel: **Ha ha dude! you totally catch!

**Roxas:** Idiot, that would make you gay too!

**Leon:** Guys we're live.

**Axel:** Oh shi- hello! That was... interesting.

**Roxas:** Indeed Axe, we hope to see you again for the next episode of, Roomates: Kingdom Hear-

**Axel:** Did you call me 'Axe'?

**Roxas:** Uh, yeah.

**Axel:** Now THAT'S something a catcher would say! hahahaha

**Roxas:** ... Please turn off the cameras... Im going home...

**Roxas gets up and leaves**

**Axel:** Go home and warm the bed sweety! we're puttin' in overtime tonight! hahaha!

**Roxas:** Stay away from my house you homo!

**Axel:** Oh, don't be that way baby...hahahaha! You know i'm kidding Roxas!

**Leon:** Cameras are still on...

**Axel:** Wait, Roxas! You don't really think I'm gay do you? I was just yankin' your chain! Oh... that really came out wrong...

**Leon:** Filming everything you say...

**Axel:** I don't like boys Roxas! oh, now you're getting in your car... Now you're driving away... Now I'll be a homo in your eyes forever...

**Leon:** Cameras still rolling...

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Chapter three soon!

More stuff and stuff.

Thanks for reading.


	3. The Great 'Eating Out' Fiasco

Well after a while, here's the third chapter. I'm freakin' writing six stories at the same time! or trying to... sorry if I'm not updating fast enough.

And thank you for the idea Lebrezie. I kinda altered it though. Thanks!

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Kingdom Hearts, Burger King or Red Lobster

--

--

_**The Great Eating Out Fiasco**_

**Day 2 of Roommates: KH Edition**

**-ON SET-**

**Axel:** Well Roxas and I are back with day two of the show!

**Roxas:** Yeah, just stay on your side of the set...

**Axel:** I'm really not... never mind, let's go to Sora team's house.

--

**-SORA TEAM'S HOUSE-**

**Sora:** man I'm hungry for grilled cheese...

**Namine:** I can make that!

**Tifa:** Wow that's amazing...

**Kairi:** We should go out to eat.

**Sora:** We can do that?

**Yuffie:** No way?! I wanna go to McDonalds! No, i hate McDonalds... I like Jack in the Box!

**Olette:** Did someone forget to walk Yuffie today?

**Yuffie:** :p

**Kairi:** How about somewhere nice like...

**Sora:** Red Lobster!

**Girls:** Yeah!!

**Olette:** Yay! Sora's gonna eat us all out though!

**Sora: **!!

**Tifa:** Uh... don't you mean 'out eat us all'?

**Olette:** Isn't that what I said?

**Yuffie:** No! You said-

**Kairi:** AHH! SHUTUPYUFFIE!!

**Namine:** ...

**Sora:** !?

**Olette:** ?

**Tifa:** groan

--

**-ON SET-**

**Roxas:** Well it looks like Sora team is... leaving the show to go eat at Red Lobster.

**Axel:** hahahahaha, can they do that?

**Roxas:** Uh, I guess so because Mickey didn't say anything yet.

**Mickey:** It's fine, we'll just have the cameras go with them.

**Roxas:** This should be interesting.

--

**-CLOUD TEAM'S HOUSE-**

**Demyx:** Man, I heard Sora's house is going out to eat...

**Donald:** We should go too!

**Cloud:** I'm not going in public with you.

**Donald:** Aw phooey, who wants to go with me then?

**Demyx:** Me!

**Seifer:** Aye aye!

Goofy comes out of his room with a cloud of smoke

**Goofy:** garwsh, hyuck, did someone say food?

**Cloud:** what's that smell?

**Donald:** You don't want to know.

**Seifer:** Goofy why are your eyes red?

**Donald:** you don't want to know...

**Goofy:** Lets go to Burger King... Have it my way... and a toy.

**Cloud:** I guess I'll go...

**Donald:** Really?!

**Cloud:** I have to keep you all out of trouble.

**Demyx:** Okay lets go!

**Cloud:** And I really like Burger King...

--

**-RED LOBSTER-**

**Olette:** This bisk is soooo good, Try it Sora!

**Tifa:** No, try my rock lobster.

**Kairi:** Yeah right, if you knew Sora you'd know he likes shrimp scampi!

**Namine:** Sora I think you'd like this salad... It has little bits of lobster.

**Yuffie:** Out of the way! Sora stick this crab in your face and you'll beg me for more!

**Sora:** Iblcanvbd anmoruhe inma mouff!

**Kairi:** Sora you can't talk with your mouth full like that!

**Sora:** It's your fault.. And I haven't even tried my food yet.

**Olette:** See, I told you Sora would eat us all out!

**Kairi:** OHMYGAWDSHUTUP!

**Yuffie:** HAWHAWHAW!

**Namine:** cough

**Sora:** passed out

**Tifa:** Oh my god everyone's staring at us...

--

**-INTERVIEW WITH: Tifa-**

**Tifa:** So yeah, the whole restaurant experience... I had to try and keep control.

**Pence:** The audience agrees that your the responsible girl or mother of the house.

**Tifa:** Oh geez... I still consider myself young enough to date someone like Sora!

**Pence:** Sora? What about Cloud?

**Tifa:** Cloud? Where? How's my hair?!

**Pence:** Oh, Cloud's at Burger King right now, I was asking if you were really interested in him?

**Tifa:** Who said I was? , ,

**Pence:** Actually, your fans would like to know.

**Tifa:** Well as long as that airhead Yuffie stays away from him...

**Pence:** So is that a yes?

**Tifa:** And those fan-girls quit writing that homo stuff about him and Squall... I mean Leon...

**Pence:** Tifa?

**Tifa:** And you know another thing? Who the hell is Sephiroth? Oh no! Is that a girl Cloud's seeing?!

**Pence:** This was an interview with Tifa...

**Tifa:** He ALWAYS talks about going to see this Sephiroth person! Who is she?!

--

**-ON SET-**

**Axel:** Aren't you worried about Namine being in the same room as Sora for that long? She's been kinda frisky.

**Roxas:** What? Namine's in this show?!

**Axel:** WTF... you dumb ass! haven't you been watching? You're a host for Christ's sake!

**Roxas:** I thought that was Kairi with highlights or sumfink...

**Axel:** Kairi's on the show too!

**Roxas:** What?! I thought that was Reno!

**Axel:** Who the hell is Reno? Sounds like he'd have a gay voice actor...

**Roxas:** I gotta go get Namine out of there! Sora's gonna try to do funny things to her just to spite me!

**Axel:** Or choice of hair color...

**Roxas:** Where's my lock pick and binoculars?

**Axel:** Well folks, looks like I'll be the single host from now on. Roxas will probably get charged for assault and from the look of things, voyeurism.

--

**-BURGER KING-**

**Cloud:** Get off the damn toys you're too big!

**Demyx:** Aww, Jimmy was going to play with me in the ball pit...

**Seifer:** Want me to spank him Cloud?

**Cloud:** Shut up...

**Donald:** Has anyone told you that you look like Slim Shady with that beanie and bleached hair? Or maybe even Onizuka.

**Seifer: **Oh yeah, I get that all the time. I'm trying to get dreads so people will quit asking if the real me would please stand up or save a suicidal student.

**Cloud:** Wait, you can understand what the duck says?

**Seifer:** Who Donald? Yeah. I have the subtitles turned on.

**Cloud:** How do you get those on?

**Seifer:** Oh, press start, go to 'options'...

**Cloud:** Uh huh... Oh wait, I gotta use this extra AP before I forget...

**Demyx:** hey where's Goofy? We already have all our food.

**Donald:** Oh he's still ordering.

**Goofy:** Uh... and a number three... Large fries with that. Hyuck, three twenty piece chicken nuggets, a whopper, no make that two whoppers... a number seven, eight and ten, two large sodas and do you have tacos?

**Cloud:** Don't do drugs guys. You end up like that.

**Demyx:** Why does he eat so much?

**Seifer:** Pot, pot, the magical weed, the more you smoke the more you feed!

**Donald:** hahahahaha!

**Cloud:** Is this show really legal to air?

**Goofy:** Oh I forgot a happy meal, what kinda toys ya got?

--

**-INTERVIEW WITH: Donald Duck-**

**Donald:** pshpshuckmasplshhhhh!

**Pence:** What?

**Donald:** Palooka! ohuwhecqleojnjlk qndcnjkln!!

**Pence:** This was a bad idea...

**Leon:** Should I be bleeping this stuff out? Who knows what he's saying...

**Donald:** 'UCK A GOAT!

**Pence:** Whoa! This interview's over!

**Donald:** Ah phooey!

--

**-ON SET-**

**Axel:** This is really boring without Roxas... Oh am I on? Hey everyone!

**Mickey:** We got you another co-host Axel!

**Axel:** Oh cool, hey buddy what's your name?

**Sephiroth:** My name is Sephiroth. I'm an intern for this place.

**Axel:** Well welcome to the big league! I'm Axel, got it memorized?

**Sephiroth:** I heard Cloud was on this show? when does he get killed off?

**Axel:** ...

**Sephiroth:** You don't know? Oh well, I'll just have to talk to the writers and see if I can make a guest appearance...

--


	4. A Vampire!

_**A Vampire?!**_

**Day 17 of Roommates: KH Edition**

**-CLOUD TEAM'S HOUSE-**

***knock knock knock***

**Cloud:** Demyx if you locked yourself out of the house again...

***knock knock knock***

**Cloud:** I'm coming!

**He opens the front door.**

**Sephiroth:** Pizza delivery!

**Sephiroth pulls off his pizza-delivery-guy outfit and slashes the front door in half with his huge sword. Cloud yells and jumps back into the house.**

**Cloud:** What are you doing here Sephiroth?!

**Sephiroth:** I'm co-hosting with Axel now that Roxas left.

**Cloud:** What?

**Sephiroth:** Nevermind the pedantics, invite me into the house.

**Cloud:** Wha-

**Demyx runs into the room.**

**Demyx:**

**He stands with his hands on Cloud's and Sephiroth's face.**

**Cloud:** ...

**Sephiroth:** ...

**Demyx:** You can't invite him in!

**Cloud:** I wasn't going to anywa-

**Demyx:** It's just like a vampire book!

**Sephiroth:** Cloud just say i can come insi-

**Demyx:** If you invte the vampire inside, it's the only way they can come into your house!

**Cloud:** I'm not inviting him in Demyx! And he's not a vampire!

**Demyx:** Oh... okay then!

**Demyx skips off to the kitchen.**

**Cloud:** Why do you want me to invite you in? *glare*

**Sephiroth:** It's the only way I can enter...

**Cloud:** So you really are a vampire?!

**Sephroth:** No. It's more along the lines of a loophole in the restraining order you have against me.

**Cloud:** ...

**Sephiroth:** So are you gonna invite me in?

**Cloud:** Go to hell.

**Cloud turns and goes back to his room.**

**Sephiroth:** Come on man!

---

**-INTERVIEW WITH: Sephiroth-**

**Pence: **I just wanna say you're an inspiration to all antagonists and have the best theme song!

**Sephiroth:** *chuckles* thank you little chubby boy. I get that a lot.

**Pence: **So what made you wanna come on the show?

**Sephiroth:** Well when i got the phone call, Cid made it seem like it was 'Girls Gone Wild' in a hotel...

**Pence:** So you weren't driven by the thirst for Cloud's blood?

**Sephiroth:** More a thirst for drunk girls waving their breasts at me.

**Pence:** What's It gonna be like hosting with Axel?

**Sephiroth:** Is that the faggot with the backwards-retard perm?

**Pence:** That's the one.

**Sephiroth:** Ah, he's cool people.

**Pence:** This has been an interview with the legend, Sephiroth!

**Sephiroth:** Whoa kid, only the ladies refer to me as 'The Legend' okay?

---

**-ON SET-**

**Axel looks over at Sephiroth uncomfortably**

**Axel: **So uh, Waddya do in your spare time?

**Sephiroth:** No one knows...

**Axel:** ... This is day 17 of Roommates: Kingdom Hearts Edition folks!

**Sephiroth:** Yes and i'm taking over as co-host since that boy ran off.

**Axel:** Where did Roxas go? *depressed*

**Sephiroth:** We have our tracking dog- I mean Zexion sniffing him down right now.

**Axel:** Okay...

**Sephiroth:** Now to the keyblade holder's house.

**Axel:** He always leaves me...

---

**-SORA TEAM'S HOUSE-**

**Yuffie:** I have an amazing idea!

**Kairi:** It's a miracle!

**Yuffie:** I know right?!

**Kairi:** I meant you having an idea.

**Naminé:** What is it Yuffie?

**Yuffie:** Let's prank Cloud team's house!

**Olette:** That's actually not a bad idea.

**Sora:** YEAH WE'LL DRAG THEM OUT INTO THE YARD, STRIP 'EM NAKED AND SPRAY THEM WITH THE HOSE!

**Yuffie:** *XD*

**Kairi:** ...

**Naminé:** ...

**Tifa:** ...

**Olette:** ...

**Sora:** or like throw waterballoons... *blush*

**Yuffie: **With ketchup in them!

**Tifa:** Yuffie you're an evil genius. *evil smile*

---

**-OUTSIDE SORA TEAM'S HOUSE-**

**Roxas:** I'll teach Sora to get frisky with Naminé...

**He peeks his head up through the bushes and looks into the window. **

**Roxas:** Now I'll just bust in the door and whisk Naminé away all romantic like! *crazy laughter*

**He sneaks up to the front door and counts down with keyblade in hand. Suddenly the front door bursts open and Roxas is crushed behind it. Sora runs out with all the girls following.**

**Sora:** Let's go get the stuff!

**Kairi:** Yuffie lock the door!

**Yuffie:** Okay wait up though!

**Yuffie comes back to close the door while the others run away. She closes it to reveal Roxas in pain.**

**Yuffie:** Hey Roxas!

**Roxas:** .....h-hey...

**Yuffie:** Bye Roxas!

**She runs away.**

**Roxas:** D-damn... it...

---


End file.
